Revealing.īoy howdy! So things just keep escalating. He almost comes off as cold? or perhaps uncaring or apathetic.
For whatever reasons, the way this sentence and the previous are coupled together, make it feel a little like Haru isn't particularly concerned with the boys safety. I assume? It shows that pokemon attacks presumably aren't necessarily fatal to humans.Ģ. Haru must know that the attack wouldn't kill the boy. Also, its fascinating to me because it shows some intriguing things.ġ. I'll give line by lines now.Ĭlick to expand.This line is great, great way to end. You've really carefully plotted out this sequence of events that feels like increasingly impossible circumstances. The silly boy won't leave, the fight happens, and Haru can't say anything without giving himself away. Haru cares about this topic and is knowledgeable, so it makes complete sense that he would make these observations.Īnd then things just escalate from there. I love the way you don't directly tell the audience that Ninjask shouldn't be in the rain, but you let it come from character background and interactions. bro these beings are supposed to be your partners and friends. You do a good job showing the disparity between people like Haru and people like that dumb boy who think its all fun and games like.
I've always had a soft spot for animals and their proper care and habitat. Given how your world takes into account heavy themes of pokemon ecology and conservation, I despise people like him. I relate to him so strongly, I'd no doubt do the exact same thing in his place. You've also painted solid reasonings of why Haru feels compelled to do this. You paint fantastic imagery here of the rain, mud and rainforest. Let's go into my chapter breakdowns.Īlrighty so this was such a sad but tense chapter. The way you weave worldbuilding and character and detail into sentences is awesome. guess we'll see!Īlright, beeg review time! Finally got caught up on this!!! Alright so you already know I love your prose. erika's request was oddly specific, so i expect that'll become relevant again too. i suspect there'll be a fair bit more lying to come. family gets left out of stories all too often, and the personalities of his family in particular-a stern mother with high expectations, a highly accomplished sister, a busy and potentially absent father-will bounce nicely off the drama generated by haru's questionable decision-making abilities. when he ultimately left before anything of consequence occurred, i mostly just found myself confused. is it even practical for him to get into the illicit egg trade? was he seriously considering that? so it came as a bit of a surprise to me that he actually showed up to the bar. why did haru bother showing up? i got the impression that he asked marve whether he deals with eggs just to confirm that he was indeed the marve haru was already aware of. just stay out of trouble haru!! i will say that i wasn't really sure what the point of the bar scene was. i strongly doubt that was a throwaway detail, so i imagine he'll come up again, which. It's interesting that the guy selling the ball just happens to be the same guy wei was in contact with. it's very anxiety-inducing but very realistic.
committing a little crime to help cover up another little crime that was the result of another little crime. i usually see stuff like that in relation to team rocket or similar criminal contexts, so i found this more down-to-earth take refreshing. More bad choices! :D jailbroken poké balls are a fun idea. i'm sure he'll want his ninjask back, and iirc it's said earlier that heconilia is chipped and that the chip can be traced back to haru, so maybe that particular bit of worldbuilding will become relevant again later, too.
i have a feeling it won't be so simply as dumping his nav and never crossing paths with him again, but i suppose we'll see. We don't really learn wei's fate in this chapter, just that there are indeed people out to come rescue him. the fortree station gives me kind of a gift shop/café vibe. the taste of his snack, the feeling of the rain, his pain while running-all very vivid descriptions that really pulled me in. Lots of nice physical and sensory detail in this chapter. just one small choice here-"sure, the ninjask can stay outside its ball, what's the harm¨-ends up causing quite a lot of pain and stress for haru, and generates numerous additional bad choices down the road! :D the way you build up tension through this snowball effect is really well-done. I think think the throughline of this fic (or what you've written of it so far, at least) is small bad choices compounding on small bad choices, and this is the chapter where i began to become aware of that.
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